Butternut Squash Disaster

Hello all! I'm sorry, no pics. We hope all is well. We have continued to work on the house. It's amazing when you start a task another unfolds right before your eyes whether you like it or not. The basement floor has been scratched, uncaulked, and recaulked. Now, it needs to be washed once more before we can paint and seal it. I would really like to set up a library downstairs. It would also be nice to be able to do some yoga without having to go out of the house and into the coming wintry weather. My husband is most excited to be able to use a garage for the first time in his life. :)

We have also been working on the yard. I've planted two blackberry bushes on the side of the house. I hope they do well. I have dreams of jam and pies. My mind constantly wanders to the future. I'm looking forward to planning and planting a garden, berry bushes, and fruit trees in the Spring. I am, originally, from an area where farming was the way of life for most people. I remember working in the garden with my grandma as a child. I loved planting seeds. I carried buckets to water them. Then, I watched them grow into beautiful spectacles of nature. I was amazed and still am at the work of God's vision. When it came time to harvest, I knew that the vegetables and fruit were locally grown with love. How I want to share these experiences with our son.

Speaking of the little man, he has been doing well. We have settled into our new home and are able to give him more of the kind of attention he so needs. He is working on being potty trained. He's attempting to say words like cracker, apple, done, and yogurt. He is what makes my world worth living. He's such a blessing from God. He helps me see myself more clearly. He is so patient with me and my journey in becoming the kind of mama he needs and the person I want to be. He loves to be outside. He likes to pick up sticks. He give hugs and kisses. He likes to be read to on a daily basis, which the english major side of me just adores. We have been attending a music class every Saturday. He can clap and keep to a rhythm. He dances to music. He likes having private concerts from his uncle and grandpa. He sings. I will sing and then he will sing. Sometimes, he will sing without being prompted. He has a wonderful voice. He is musically inclined and I plan to give him every opportunity possible so that he can deepen his talents and appreciation. He is wonderfully himself and I love every aspect, even his independence.

Borislav is doing well. He is trying to keep everyone happy at the homestead. He works all day in corporate america to come home only to work some more on the projects that mostly I have deemed necessary. I don't like being that person. It's just so hard to get everything done while I have such a willing little helper. He is also an amazing person in my life. He is so patient and willing to help. He listens. We had a delightful Halloween together. We carved a pumpkin for the first time with Ilia. Little man didn't want to have anything to do with the pumpkin guts. Afterwards, I drew out a sun on the pumpkin, which he carved. I really love the moments when we are all present together.

He has graciously turned over his car to Ilia and I to take to work. So, often times he walks to and from work. He would like to save up enough money to buy a car. I want a home birth. No, I am not pregnant. I hope to be in less than a year. Anyway, sometimes we will catch him walking down the street towards the house, and I have an overwhelming sense of love and appreciation for his sacrificial nature. I feel like just as long as we're together the world is balanced in place. Good man.

We have been enjoying the fall and friends. It's amazing how friends become part of your family. It helps me to understand the time when Christ rejected his mother and siblings. He said, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother." I understand more now. Sometimes friends treat you with more respect and consideration that your family. At least, that is my experience. We are all in this world together to help and love each other. We are not to demean and control one another. We are supposed to guide our children in the truth and respect them for who they are as people. I appreciate the life lesson that I have been learning. Can't we all see the light in all of us. Can't we see how similar we all are in reality? Maybe if we loved ourselves, we could love others. Or maybe if we loved each other, maybe then we could truly know ourselves and find love. I don't know. I've been thinking....

So, what's with the title? One of the first squashes that we bought, Ilia just loved. So, I bought two at the local farmer's market inspired by the movie Food, Inc. He does not want to have anything to do with the second one. I've tried a little cinnamonon on some bites, which he ate and found interesting. He's not so easily fooled. Yesterday, he started throwing bits on the floor. I really don't like to clean up messes of food. I really don't like it when food is wasted. I know that I need to get over that as a mom. Kids make food messes. Adults do too. I just don't like the negative intent. He looks at me and knowingly drops the food on the floor after he's been told for months not to do so. Hmm... So, does any body have any recipes that are tasty using butternut squash? We have one uncooked squash left. What to do?

Fall is Finally Here

Hello everyone!

As you can imagine, we have been working hard to settle into our new home. It is very exciting, but also exhausting. We've swept countless dog hairs off the floor. We've found dog hair in the refrigerator. We would love to have a dog someday (a cat for me), but with all this hair we're not sure anymore. Many boxes have been moved from the garage and organized somehow in the house. We still have quite a few left to peruse. They are mostly book boxes that will be going downstairs when the downstairs is actually clean. We have painted four rooms: ours is a darker green, our son's is the dark green from our room and a complementary lighter green, the spare bedroom is the light green from our son's room and a pale lilac, the living room is a pale buttery yellow. We've cut down trees. We've cut down bushes. We've pulled out ground cover that is very persistent. It creeps up every now and then with little green leaves. We've stained the deck in the back. Finally, we have come to a point where we can live comfortably and work on projects as we have the energy and the time.

There is so much more space here than in our apartment. It felt like home the first night we slept there. Our son can run around. He has his own room for the first time. It is a designated place for his toys, books, clothes, etc. This has been a great help for us who would like to keep things organized every once and awhile. Our room, thus, is not as cluttered. Although, there is still that pile of half dirty/half clean clothes that I do have to sort some time. There is a spare bedroom that contains a bed and also my craft ideas. I didn't realize that I've had so many ideas that have not come into fruition. Well, there is never a dull moment. I always feel like there is something to do, which is nice and not nice at the same time. Gone are the days when I could just relax. We are home buyers now. There are leaves to be raked, grass to be mowed, and house repairs that I know are looming in the midst. We need to insulate the house for winter. We need to re-caulk the bath tub. All in all, we take pride in maintaining our little place in the middle of the town in which we live.

Ilia has had a tough time through all these transitions. It was hard for him to not share as much time with the both of us. He wanted to help so many times when we were painting, cleaning, raking, etc. So, one parent has had to work, while the other takes care of him. I hope that we don't put out his desire to help. I hope that he just gets better at it. :) If he was not allowed to help, then he wanted to be held. It's hard trying to do things one handed. If he was unsure, then he wanted to nurse. It was obvious that he wasn't receiving enough attention, so we have put the downstairs on the back burner. He is much more well adjusted now. He has really developed quickly over the last month. He can say more words. He is more expressive. He found a new activity that he really loves: jumping. He likes to sing, dance, and imitate expressions to music. It is unfortunate that we cannot go outside more often. We have a very very bad case of mosquitos on our property. We were out for about 10 minutes the other day and 7 of them decided he would taste good. Poor guy! He can't even play in his own backyard. We need to do something, but we're not sure what.

The neighbors have been very welcoming. We've enjoyed walking around the neighborhood like we used to before we moved into my mom's house a couple of months ago. We've had more people over in the past two weeks than in the past 3 years of living together. We feel comfortable with the space and the clutter. Our house is open, peaceful, and inviting. We look forward to happy memories to be made in the future. We have so many plans and dreams that finally can be grasped like landscaping, gardening, and berry bush planting. I see a lot of pies, jam, juice, and suace in our future. I also hear faintly, very faintly the pitter patter of more than one pair of little feet. Oh...we love life. We love the changing of the seasons. I look forward to more nature walks and carving pumpkins with our little one. This is a time of change for us and we're growing beautifully.

Baby is Sick

In the last few weeks, we have made a few drastic changes in our life. We had been looking for a house since the middle of June. That was quite an experience. I checked the real estate ads almost every day for houses. We looked at houses almost three times a week for 5 weeks or so. It was like living at an auction for a month: always aware of the new houses on the market. I would be excited only to find myself let down. Finally, at the end of July, we found it. My mother is an avid reader of Craigslist. She had noticed this 3 bedroom with hardwood flooring house listed that day. My mom and I went to look at the house. Then, Borislav and I went to look at the house. We loved what we saw. The floors were hardwood. There was a decent sized back yard. There was a basement for all of our storage and a room for Borislav to have all to himself. It was quite perfect for our needs and wants. My mother encouraged us to make an offer. So, we did. We came to good terms. It now seemed that we had find a house at long last. That night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about what I would paint the walls, what furniture could go where, what crafts could be made where, what foods could be grown, and so much more. I heard pitter patter of more than one pair of little feet. I feel sometimes that I am living a dream. It's real, fortunately. We have been approved. The house has been inspected. The sellers have agreed to fix all but one of our requests. The house has been appraised for more than the agreed selling price. Now, we are waiting for the lending process to be complete.

What are we doing in the meantime? Well, since we felt very good about the sellers and thought that the house would go through, we did not sign our lease. We moved out in about a week after finding the house. That was difficult. I have never moved with a baby before, and am thankful that we do not have to move again for awhile. It is hard to help a little one understand that mommy and daddy must pack, move boxes, clean the apartment. We are now living at my mother's place. My sister and her baby also live here. It has been a rough transition for all of us. We have different parenting styles, and our babies have different temperaments (bed times as well). Work has been steady. My car does not work, so it is at the salvage yard. I've had to bum rides for the last month or so. That's getting old pretty quick. I just don't think that I can handle trying to apply for two loans at the same time. I also am not sure how long I will continue to work. The need for another car might not really be a need at all.

In and amongst all this, Ilia has come down with a fever. He woke up all through Sunday night/Monday morning wanting to nurse. I didn't know what was going on until the morning. He was oozing mucus profusely-the yellowish goopy kind. I increased his fruit and yogurt intake. I nursed him more often. Yesterday, I found some crusty stuff in his ears. I cleaned them out thinking that it was just cereal. Today, the crusties were there again. Hmm...I called the doctor after a few sleepless nights, feverish days, and runny stuff. I really wanted his body to heal itself. The doctor was disappointed that I didn't give him more tylenol. I should have come in earlier with a sick son who has an ASD (Atrial Septal Defect). I don't believe in over-medicating children or adults. I wish that I knew more about herbal treatments. I think that these changes have been the hardest on him. Someone is awake...time for more mothering my sweet babe.

Into the Night...

We spent our honeymoon, thanks to Tracey, at a local B&B. It was a beacon in the night. In the morning, we had the pleasure of eating home made quiche and berry compote. Mr. Tucker was so generous to cook us such a scrumptious meal. He also gave us a brief history of the house itself. Meanwhile, Ilia enjoyed playing with Mr.Taylor's piano. We hope to visit this B&B for anniversaries to come. If you ever come to the Columbia area, I would highly recommend a night on one of their dreamy beds and a morning of mouth watering delights at The Taylor House.

If you would like to know more about the history of this place: http://www.taylor-house.com/history.cfm

Wedding Act III

I hope that all of you know that I am not living in the past. I simply do not have time to do this day justice in one post or in one day. One of the major projects that we are working on is looking for/buying a house. We are also potty training Ilia. :)

After the pictures (True Life Images from Ashland, MO did a wonderful job) we walked into a beautiful candle lit room full of real flowers and plants. My mom had decorated the Upper Loft of the Les Bourgeois beyond any vision I ever had. I had envisioned 8 or so candles and vases for the bouquets. There were at least 50 glasses filled with dirt to sustain the calla lilies and the like. There were faux crystal beads and ribbons strung all throughout the middle of a 6 table x 2 table large table. All the people were looking in the middle at each other. In the picture above, you'll notice how the railing was decorated. The wedding cake (lemon poppy seed with buttercream icing) is to our left. We chose All About Cakes from Montgomery City, MO because we thought that her cakes tasted and looked the best. We had brown napkins engraved with gold lettering our names and the date of our wedding next to the cake. All these decisions seemed so important at the time.

We acted like we were cutting the cake for the photographers, then we participated in a Bulgarian wedding tradition. Borislav's mom held out honey with bread for us to eat, so that our life together may always be growing (yeast in the bread) and sweet (honey). She fed us the bread, then we drank the sparkling grape juice interlocking our arms, if this makes sense. Next, we wrapped the glasses in a towel that Borislav stomped on. The glass would not break. Supposedly, the more glass shards the more good memories you'll have in your marriage. Borislav started jumping up and down on the white enveloped glasses to no avail. I had to stop his determined efforts ( I didn't want the people downstairs thinking something was wrong.). Perhaps, the glasses not breaking means that our marriage is unbreakable.? I hope so. Bulgarian music began playing, so people sat down to socialize. I put together the seating chart, and was very happy to see that Tracey, my dad's girlfriend, had written so beautifully the names of all the people on cards and put them at the right places. I wanted everyone to be able to talk to someone they liked talking to most of the time.

In and amongst all this, three babies had to be taken care of periodically. Ilia ate some pureed baby food and some banana. My sister's baby was being entertained. Our friends baby was expressing her excitement. We had appetizers. We ordered our food. Then, we had our toasts. Instead of just one person toasting, everyone was given a chance to toast. I was moved almost to tears many times. I just felt so blessed to have these people in our life. People seemed fairly content with what they ordered to eat. We changed the music to classical songs like Debussy's "Claire de Lune". I had the salmon and asparagus. It was divine. I'm looking forward to having an anniversary dinner there next year. mmm....good....I really wanted to have some dancing, so while people finished their meals we danced.

The first dance was with my dad, Stevie Wonder's "My Girl". Again, I love Father of the Bride. My dad and I watched that movie several times when I was growing up. But, it was too fast paced. My dad dipped me once, but I recovered. Then, I realized that it was a double dip, so I almost did not recover. It was good to dance with him. Borislav and I danced to Peter Frampton's "Baby, I love Your Way". The picture above is during our dance. We like that song because we do just love being with each other....we want to be with each other "night and day". I think that dance was my favorite part of the reception. I was feeling very excitedly anxious. Borislav just calmed my nerves. I was able to breathe in his energy. He just swayed me gently back and forth while being careful with my dress. He stroked my hand with his. We moved our arms in the same motion up and down while waiting for the song to turn on. We touched our foreheads. We kissed and were just close to each other...the most closeness that we had had all evening. It was just so miraculous, the energy I felt while dancing with him. The kiss was amazingly sweet and sensual. I loved every second that I could feel this blissful with my husband. Then, it came to my turn to share him. Borislav danced with his mother to a Bulgarian soft rock song from the 80's.

I danced with my brother to Kansas's "Dust in the Wind". We used to jam to that a few years ago. My brother plays the guitar, as I'm sure you know. I like to accompany him by singing. We also like to sing Neutral Milk Hotel's "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea", but I didn't think most people would get that song. It was good just to have a little time to talk with him during the wedding celebration. I wish I could talk with him more often. My sister and I danced with our boys to Cake's "Long Skirt, Long Jacket". We like to be silly together, so when a Cake song comes on the radio, we automatically have to dance. We dance in the car. The other songs that were played were "Never My Love" by The Association, "Happy Together" by The Turtles, and A Kind of Hush" by Herman's Hermits.

We had some cake between dances. Borislav and I fed each other cake very nicely. It was delicious. mmm...good...I think others enjoyed it as well. We had ordered a lot of it, so we were able to share some with friends after the wedding. I really liked that I could share my wedding with others who were not there, but really helped support us throughout it's development.

We had the garter toss. It was interesting. Borislav didn't really want to have a toss, but I thought, "Why not?" He lifted my dress to reveal my mendhi ankles. My crafty mama support was showing through. :) He slipped the garter off very gently, then threw it to the single men: my brother, my dad, and our friend. Later on, our friend said that he and my dad were talking about how this toss was going to play out. My dad said that he did not need the garter and that my brother was going to college, so they were out. Our friend caught it to his contentment. With the bouquet toss: the single ladies were Tracey, our friend, my sister, my mother, and my brother's girlfried. My brother's girlfriend caught the bouquet. I hope she keeps it. These events may be in the wrong order.

We only booked the bistro for about 5 hours, so by then it was about time to go. The wedding certificate needed to be signed. My sister and Borislav's dad singed it. It was getting more official all the time. :) We got our baby boy ready to go. Then, I went to look for my stuff. I couldn't find my clothes that I changed out of before the wedding. People assured me that it would be fine. I also had misplaced my vows. The candle that we had made had burned almost completely, since we forgot to blow it out. Then, I shook out any tasks that I could be doing out of my mind and walked out the double doors into the night. People splashed us with flower petals. Wow! We said our good-byes. We left them to clean up, and I strolled to the car with my husband and our baby. The youngters who were at the car disappeared when they heard us coming. Our car had white paint all over it. Hmm...."Just Married" and "the love is in the car seat". :) I got into the care carefully with my sequined wedding dress. The baby was placed in his seat. We held hands, then drove off into the night to our next destination.

Wedding Act II

Then, as I was holding my dad's hand the pastor asked, "Who presents this woman to be married today." My dad said, " Her mother and I do." It was touching to me, because some people say "gives this woman." The pastor and I discussed the wording of this question weeks before. There wasn't to be any giving away, as if I was an object that could be taken. I also was touched because my parents have been divorced for longer than a decade, but my dad knew that it has taken the both of them to make me who I am today. They have both been and are there for me throughout my life.

Our mothers were able to be involved in the ceremony by lighting the candles that represented each root of our little sapling. That was their only part, but when I turned and looked both women were clueless. I tried to gracefully eye the candles and relate the message to them. I turned my head a litte less gracefully towards the candles. Then, I pointed with my thumb to no avail. Finally, I Egyptian half danced with my finger pointing back and forth to the candles. They realized almost at the same time what I had been trying to convey for a few seconds that felt like minutes. The candles were now lit, which was the cue for my sister to read a passage from the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13. This Bible was the same Bible my dad's mom used on her wedding day. Unfortunately, it was the King James version. Charity had been substituted for love. My sister was confused. I was surprised at my forgetfulness to warn her about the different version. She wasn't aware that there was another version. She did very well. I started absorbing all the things I could have done better in preparing for this special day. After the reading, my brother played and sang "In My Life" by The Beatles. It is, in my mind, the best love song that they ever wrote. It remembers all the loves before, but also sets apart this love that is new. Borislav and I were not each other's first love. We will never forget them, but we've been able to grow from our experiences with others. Love has a new meaning with the person for whom the song was seemingly written. Borislav and I have found our meaning together.

I've often felt that I didn't really begin to understand love until I was with Borislav. I think that before him, I was either too selfish or too giving. I learned how to give and take with him. I learned how to relax the control that I needed to have in my life. My life was no longer mine, but ours in a way. At least, a lot of the time in my life was going to be shared with him. I couldn't have these minor yet major expectations for him. I learned how to be patient. I learned how to compromise. I learned how to forgive. I've been able to share new life. I've been able to remember past lives. He has helped me be more comfortable with myself by just loving me the way that I am. He doesn't expect much most of the time. Sometimes, I wonder how we ever were interested in the other. He doesn't really like most of the music that I like. He doesn't read most of the books I do. He doesn't like to philosophize for hours. But, somehow, something struck a chord in both of our hearts that kept telling us that we needed each other. We were meant to be together. Despite, all the ups and downs we have been able to grow with each other. With God, we've created a life together. I think sometimes things don't have to make sense.

Borislav and I lit our unity candle that we made out of beeswax. It would be a remembrance to all the sacrifices and love that our respective families have given to us along the way. We were combining our ties with our ancestors to create a tie of our own based only on love and the commitment we have for each other. The candle burned brightly and was not to be blown out by the wind. It was a fairly calm evening. During this time, our friends Jeff and Ruth, were setting up to play a song for us. Borislav and I decided that we wanted Sonny and Cher's "I Got You Babe" sung at our wedding. It represents a young love that will stand strong through the storms of life, despite any adversity from family, finances, or fear. Jeff & Ruth and Borislav & I had a lot of adversity during the beginnings of our relationships. It's a very special song that was sung so beautifully. I would love to listen to it over and over. It was the best present they could have given except their friendship. They were instrumental in Borislav and I meeting each other the third time. Their band, Rutherford, played at The Music Cafe that night. Ruth also mentioned that he had asked a lot of questions about me. He was a friend of a friend of theirs. They are also Ilia's godparents. I feel so blessed that they are in our life.

My brother following this serenade read from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. The chapter from which he read was On Love. This chapter is especially meaningful because it basically states that love is not always easy and it is through the hard times that love grows. I could go on and on line by line of this section of the book philosophizing about love. I had marked the spot in the book, but it had become unmarked somehow. I had to find the place. I had wanted him to read the whole chapter. He read the first page. I should've been more selective or more descriptive on what I wanted, but I think that the message above was conveyed. After the reading, Borislav and I said our vows. He had written about a page and a half of vows. He really brought to mind what I feel love is like. He said that may our love never be saturated or dried up by the sun. Love is like a flower, so John Lennon says and I agree, you have to let it grow. How do you take care of flower? I told him that he was like a lighthouse during a storm. I had been wanting to get married for as long as I could remember. My parents did not have a good marriage, and I felt firsthand what an untended marriage can do to the people involved. I've always thought that if I could have a marriage of my own all the harm done would be healed. It would be like neosporin on a cut. The cut would still be there, but not as bad. Also, I feel the huge commitment it is to marry someone. I thank God for Borislav. He is hardworking and a devoted husband and father.

The next step was to seal the vows with the rings. Ilia was helped by his uncle to walk with the rings to Borislav and I. It was so good to see him and feel his energy so closely again. We exchanged the rings that almost didn't make it to the ceremony because we ordered them fairly late in the preparations. It felt wonderful to slip a wedding ring onto Borislav's finger. He doesn't wear rings, but he understands the meaning that a wedding band has for me. I think it is a way to show everyone that you are not available. You may not be available in your heart or mind, but other people need to know to respect the commitment that you have made. With the vows being said and the rings being slipped on, it was time for the kiss. It felt so good to be in the arms of my love. I felt the energy circling around us. We magnetically kissed, then pulled away to only have to kiss one more time. Oh...it was wonderful.

When we were introduced as husband and wife, we turned around and really were able to absorb the love that was emanating from our family members. Ilia had on my dad's shades. Our friend with a low resonating voice said "Yeah." It was an amazing moment. Nothing had changed between us and our family, yet I had this feeling of ultimate peace about being married. I felt even more complete. That feeling has not gone away. It feels really good to touch, grasp, and hold your dreams.

We both realized and realize that God has blessed us and our family, so we decided that for our first act as a married couple we would serve The Lord's Supper. We want to be growing with each other towards God. The pastor blessed the bread and juice, then prayed. Our heads were touching while we prayed. We felt as one. We served each other, then we served our family and friends. We didn't know quite what to say or do. After people took the bread from the juice, they formed a circle. When the last person was served, we prayed together for our marriage. We need all the prayer that we can get. Jesus says in Matthew 18:20, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

As a closing, my dad played on his saxophone the song, "The Old Rugged Cross." That song is meaningful because it keeps in the fore front the ultimate sacrifice of love. Jesus died on the cross for our sins because of the love that he had for us. He took on all the burdens of all the sins that anyone living at that time or in the future would make. I know what it's like to feel guilty. I can't imagine what that must have felt like on the cross. He also showed his followers how to transcend ourselves: our selfish desires, thoughts, or actions for the benefit of the whole. I feel so much better when I think of others rather than myself. It's usually when I'm thinking of myself that I hurt myself the most. For instance, when I get onto Ilia for something that is really my fault. I aspire to be more like Christ every day. Our pastor said a closing prayer. Then, my dad surpised me with another song.

When I was about 10 years old or so, the radio host asked people to call in with a song of their choice. I wanted to hear "Going to the Chapel." I really liked The Father of the Bride with Steve Martin. The host asked me to sing the song, so I did. My family was swimming outside while the radio was on. My voice came over the waves to their surprise. My dad remembered this and decided to play this song at our wedding. I asked him if he wanted help. I sang and he played. It was like I was coming in full circle. I just got married, but he was still just as important in my life. We loved expressing our love for each other and life in this way. I would look at Borislav at all the opportune times in the song. I told my dad that it was a great idea when the song ended. I kissed his cheek, which concluded our ceremony. It was not without its flaws, but all in all it represented who we were and are and...we are married! Then, it was professional picture time that had my head spinning by the end.

Back in Time-Wedding Act 1

Our lives have settled back to some kind of normal in the past week. The adults have gone back to work. The baby has resumed his sleeping schedule. Life seems to be going well. We have decided to buy a house this year, but do not know how to go about achieving this goal. Ilia has been sitting on the potty every day. We've decided to potty train our 15 month old. Some say it's early, but I think that it's ok to get him used to the idea. We don't get upset if he doesn't perform. We don't make him sit there until something happens. He doesn't run naked around the house. If we had a backyard, he could run there. I've changed my last name on most official documents.

In my last post, I promised to write more about the wedding. I realize that no words will really suffice to really transport people to the day itself. The day seemed very surreal. I had finished my vows. Borislav had not yet finished his. There were last minute preparations-manicure for Borislav (I convinced him.), make-up, hair, packing items for a special person to pick up, putting in contacts, etc. His parents couldn't really understand why I was worked up about the wedding. In Bulgaria, at the time of their wedding, they went to the court house. That was it. For me, I wanted a wedding. I plan to marry only once. The last thing that happened before our caravan was to get the boys ready-my nephew and our son. They wore brown pants with a brown vest, white shirt, tie, and brown shoes. We traveled to a local winery a little late. On the way, we passed Borislav. I ducked and my sister who looked like a Grecian goddess waved, but he seemed to be focusing heavily on driving. He must have been thinking about his vows.

We arrived late at the winery, so I ran downstairs where I was promised my attire would be. My sister, maid of honor, helped me change into my dress and jewelry (engagement ring, diamond earings given to me by my dad for my graduation present from high school, aquamarine bracelet, neclace from etsy, dress from david's bridal, shoes-brand MUDD from Sears-looked just like the ones my mom wore for her wedding-These details may not seem important now, but they were at the time.) in the bathroom. I was so happy to have her support. When we stepped out, people were so shocked at the transformation. I don't usually wear make-up and contacts or style my hair. I certainly don't wear high heels. Some people were almost in tears. I was actually getting married. I was the bride. My time had come. My dad did not recognize me. I saw my flowers and programs for the first time. I was impressed. My grandmother kept wanting to take pictures of me, which I didn't like at the time. My eyes don't like continuous flashing. I picked up some of the pictures yesterday, so now I'm more thankful that someone was able to picture me at that time. We were behind schedule though. It was past 5:30. My mother was not to be found. The photographers were 250/hour and they were going to leave at 7:30. I was no longer in the best of spirits. Ilia lost a shoe somehow. The photographers assured me that it would be ok. So, we went on with the ceremony.

People started walking out: Borislav escorted his mother, my brother escorted our mother, brother's girlfriend with flower boy (he just wanted to run and laugh :)), brother with Ilia (started out walking, lost a shoe, was carried the rest of the way), dad and myself. When my parents were having problems, I told him that he would not walk me down the aisle. He wouldn't even be at the wedding. I'm so happy that what we say does not always happen. We have a much better relationship as adults. I found myself wrapping my arm around his. I was really getting married. He was really walking me down the aisle to the rest of my life. He assured me all would be fine. He would always be there. Borislav would always be there. There's more love not less. I walked alongside my dad with a smile that would not relax. I was really getting married. My family was here to watch me marry the father of my child and the man who has committed himself to the deepening of our beings as individuals and also as a couple. Then, there he was: the man I was going to marry. How did he think I looked? Did he like his bride's choice of dress? Was the make-up ok-too dark? (My friend had bought me a lot of Estee Lauder products that went well with my complexion and eye color. When I went to the salon to have it applied, they couldn't use any of it. They had to use their own products. I was not happy. I won't go there again. I just don't apply make-up often nor did I want to take the time to if I was going to get frustrated about it.) He mouthed beautiful. He looked very serious in his chocolate tux. The ceremony began....

Back from Bulgaria

So, it's been about a month since I've blogged and so much has happened. I now am happily married. I would post a picture, but I didn't take any. Other family members have pictures, but I don't have their memory cards. Fairly soon after the wedding (two days and of which I will write more about later), we began our way to Eastern Europe. Our son experienced his father's home country and was able to visit with his great-grandparents. We went to the Black Sea, which was worth the travel time and awkward silences due to the language barrier. Ilia saw the sea for the first time. He pointed his finger and said "oooo" "oooo". We walked slowly into the water, which inspired a giggle. When a wave hit and splashed into his face, I would calmly walk him back up to the shore line to where I felt he could be more at ease. He seemed to say, "Mama, I'm not scared of the sea. I want to return to the cool waves and seeping sand." Sometimes, he wanted to swim by himself or keep walking into the sea. He "borrowed" other children's toys. He found sea shells. When we left, he pointed to the sea and said "ooooo" "ooooo". His middle name is Kai, which means the sea in Hawaiian. I'm glad it fits him so well. I'm really happy about his love for the sea. Before he was born, I went to Hawaii and felt soulfully at peace. I felt one with nature and so thankful that God made such a refreshing place. I would swim out until the water would almost freeze my bones, which indicated its depth. I snorkled and found Nemo :). I was found by a sea turtle that almost seemed to beckon me out and under the sea. It was quite an invitation that I'm glad to have passed up. Anyway, I'm really thrilled that he loves the sea and feels wonderful in it. I hope we have many more times to share our love of the sea together. Overall, besides the sea, I felt homesick and out of place. I looked all over for a craft store. I only found a needlepoint and yarn store, but I wanted something to embroider or at least fabric to sew. Oh well. I didn't bring enough books. I did read The Joy Luck Club, which I found to be a good read. I was happy to return to our small but welcoming home last night from Bulgaria. We are still sleep deprived and somewhat under the weather. My ears haven't seemed to pop from the airplane. Hmm... We haven't been too motivated to unpack. I have taken steps to change my name. I'm looking forward to summer projects and reconnecting with friends and family that I feel like I haven't seen for ages. I hope all has been well with everyone this past month.

Mother's Day

Laying in bed and nursing our son this morning helped me realize that the best present to be given on mother's day is the blessing of having a child. My siblings and I used to make our mom breakfast in bed. My dad would sometimes buy a flower. These gestures of love are wonderful, but they do not compare to having a little person to hold and love. I feel truly blessed today. I'm blessed everyday with our son.

Bridal Blessingway

On Thursday Night, a bridal blessingway was held at The Womb Room by Mama Roots. The decor was based on the book, The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant. This book was #1 on the book list that I had made for the supposed book party in Saint Louis. The wooden toys and birth activism items had been moved out of sight. A red umbrella tent, red lanterns, and a red scarf on a lamp all gave the room a calming and inspirational feel. The red food: strawberries, raspberries, peppers, M&M's, kalamata olives, and sparkling red grape juice were sweet and pleasing to the tonque and worked as a cure for the mind. The bread was good too!

Upon arrival, I could feel the excitement emanating from the old birth center. The stairs lit our way to the spectacular room. There was a candle on almost every other other step. I said hello to everyone and then we transitioned into the blessingway. Mama Roots began the sharing of blessings with some quotes from The Red Tent. To paraphrase, may the color red, the color of love and life, unite us as women. I am so happy that she has facilitated this group in which women can feel comfortable and eager to gather together to share lives. She asked me to tell the story of the supposed book party with everyone. Then, she related her surprise and relief when she realized that I had not yet received my number one choice. I realized why she felt that way when she gave me a signed copy of the book. We hugged. I had read the book about two years ago and loved it for its empowering message that women can be strong and help each other through difficult times. It also includes midwifery. I had never gotten the book. I'm so happy that I waited. I really felt and feel that everything in life has a reason. Somehow, at the blessingway, my life was making more sense and it was connected with this moment and the wonderful ladies.

Women presented beads with inspirational perspectives for the marriage life. I received a wonderful home made butterfly card and two white and blue butterfly beads from Amy. Her advice was to be like the butterfly. May our love transform our souls. I was pleasantly surprised to receive not only beads but also a card. Amy has a talent for photography. Then, Candy presented her white and purple bead with the advice to laugh through the good times and the bad. We have found more than one occasions to laugh at the triviality of the downs. Chris-aka Mama Roots-gave me a wholey rock (sp?). She described an event that happened in the beginning of her relationship with her husband. They both loved wholey rocks. Her advice was to remember that we are not only lovers and partners in life, but also best friends. Thank you. Then, Chris read a blessing from a friend of mine who lives in Kansas City, Tracey. Tracey was not able to come, but she did send an e-mail. She was there from the beginning of Borislav and I's relationship. On the night that was really a first date for us even though we didn't go anywhere, I was really nervous because he was late. Tracey felt my energy and made me some tea to soothe my nerves. She has been so positive about our relationship. I don't know what I would do without her. Her advice was to continue to fall in love throughout our lives together. I'm starting to tear up just remembering this blessing of women in my life. I cried at the same time that night. My friend, Kim, did not realize that she was supposed to bring a bead. She felt bad, but I know that the perfect bead for her to find for me is still out there. It was just a blessing for her to be there. She wished us happiness in her tears and I, again, started to overflow with love. We hugged. Chandra gave a wonderful bead that she got from an Art Fair. Her advice was to know that during the hard times of a relationship is when it is about to become even more beautiful. People fall more in love during the challenges of life, if they are committed to seeing whatever may befall them. I have just met her, but already I feel like she is such a sweet and caring person that I want to get to know better. Jessica arrived and was able to present her beads, which were clear and three pointed. The points were for my fiance, myself, and our son. Her blessing that was said almost towards the end of the evening was for our relationship to be like coral and pearl. It takes years of work to make a pearl, but in the end it is a beautiful treasure. She also sang a song that she and her husband wrote. I really liked the Native American bag with beads, the hankerchief, candy, and removal tattoo that she gave as well.

Part of the blessingway was the tattoing of my ankles. I chose a design that was a sort of chain with a turtle in the center. The turtles were facing each other towards the insides of the ankles. One was a female with a filled in circle. The other was a male with an empty circle. The turtle, for us, represents our relationship. If we endure the hardships and continue on our journey we will find true happiness in this life together. We have built a strong foundation and desire to continue to grow with each other. Chandra drew on the design with a watercolor pencil. Candy mixed the henna with another solution. Then, Amy, Jessica, Kim, and Chris traced the design with henna. It was a very relaxing experience. For me, when the ladies decorated my ankles they were preparing my feet to walk into the next part of my journey: marriage. It was nice to have their support and blessings. I will remember this night for the rest of my life. I hope to be able to share it with my son and future children. I would like to think that more women would choose to have a blessingway before their wedding. It is a time to share experiences, advice, and blessings. I loved sharing mine and hearing others' love stories. It is also a time to reflect on all of our relationships with our significant others. They really are all very special men. I am anticipating our wedding on Thursday. I wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day. Thanks for all blessings everywhere.

May Day Weekend

I've had a pretty full yet not fulfilling until today weekend, so I'm sorry that I haven't had a chance to post the May Day Basket my fiance and I made on Thursday night. It was so much fun to make this basket. It was also difficult to try to make a basket that someone else would appreciate. Firstly, the basket is made out of a cardboard box, construction paper, glue, newspaper, watercolor, tape, and pipe cleaners. All of the items used were reused even the construction paper. We glued on a brown square for the bottom of the basket. Then we covered the sides with purple paper. We coated the inside with yellow. Lastly, my fiance made 1 in. by 1 in. squares to stagger onto the purple paper for a basket like effect. I don't have mature flowers outside of my house, so I just made some out of newspaper and watercolor. First, I cut out variations of circles to watercolor with shades of purple and red. Then, my fiance threaded the pipe cleaners through the center of each flower. I was too scared to rip them. I filled the basket with the flowers and gifts. These gifts were for the mama: a book, tea, and lotion, the little lady: a book of May Day rhymes and songs, candy, and play dough, and the little baby: a blanket, and a book. The flower seeds were for everybody. The picture above is of the basket on the couch that I labored on. I never want to get rid of it. I hope to continue this tradition in years to come. Perhaps, next year our son can be more involved. He was trying to cut out the paper. He wanted to put the pink squares on the purple paper too. :) He really wants to help. I hopes that desire continues as a personality trait.

I loved receiving our basket. I was really concerned that the basket would be soaking wet by the time that I got home from work, but our May Day fairy was smart. She had put our treasures in a box covered with paper in a bag. The treasures were a turqouise necklace, flower seeds, candy, a purse, a book on gardening, a bracelet, a beautiful card with Fairy stickers attached to the amazingly sturdy yet beautiful paper with the tiniest clothes pin I have ever seen (so cute!). I'm not sure how our May Day fairy was able to think of all these treasures that I absolutely love. Turqoise is one of my favorite stones of all time. When I was little, I had a heart of turqouise ring. I'm not sure where it is now, but I remember looking at it all the time. Before I met my fiance, I wanted to teach on a Native American reservation. The bracelet looks like it came from a Native American tribe. I wish I knew which one, but perhaps I will find out someday. The reason I say that is because it is made with very little beads that point in arrows around to a neverending place. The bag that was hard to find anything in has been replaced by the purse. It is a beautiful rainbow with compartments. I do love to garden. I wish we owned a house, so I could do more gardening. We have planted Forget Me Nots this year. We have transplanted an Easter Lily and two Irises. I really would like to plant some strawberries, but we're leaving for Bulgaria in two weeks for a month. The Fairies on the card reminded me of this book that I used to check out repeatedly from the library when I was a little girl. I really wish that I knew the title of the book. It was light pink and had pictures of different kinds of fairies on each page. If there was any book on this Earth that I would cherish to have that I don't have, the fairy book would be it. So, my May Day fairy, whoever, you are thanks for listening somehow to my true self.

So, why was my weekend unfulfilled? There was supposed to be a book party held in my honor in lieu of a bridal shower, but it turned out to be a lingerie party. The lingerie was extremely skimpy. It was thrown by people that have been a part of my life most of my life, which made it all the more hurtful. I felt lied to. I did not feel appreciated for who I was. I did not feel respected for the woman that I am. To me, natural is best. :)

On a positive note, my week has started out much more fulfilling. I've reconnected with my fiance after a weekend apart. Our son is growing more independent every day, which means that he's secure in our love for him. I got to hang out with my friend today at a labyrinth. She helps me feel like I am appreciated and respected and loved, even though we have only known each other for less than a year. I really enjoyed watching her sons play in nature. They were so happy and peaceful. They both gave me tokens of kindness: a rock which I will use with our unity candle and a flower petal that I will press. I'm looking forward to the journey with my son as he ages. She is putting together a Bridal Blessingway for me in lieu of a bridal shower. It's theme is based on The Red Tent. Women will gather on Thursday night to help me transition into the married life. They will bless my fiance and I's marriage with postive energy, delicious red food, tokens, stories, and mehndi. The peace in my heart runs over just anticipating our time together. I know this blog is long. Imagine how my fiance must feel every day. I love that man. :)

A Walk...

This morning, I woke up contentedly around 7 to an eager and thirsty 14 month old. Nursing our son, I felt at peace and complete. He had went to sleep earlier than usual last night, so I couldn't wait to be able to see his beautiful hazel eyes and his 6 teeth smile. His dad cuddled with him for awhile after that. They have been bonding more lately. Even at night, he is able to comfort our son successfully. When he went to work, we had breakfast. I had cereal and a bagel. He had an organic egg and oatmeal, peach and banana puree. We enjoyed each other's company and the food. We got dressed, brushed our teeth, and put on our shoes. When we were ready to go to work, the keys were missing. I had left them in daddy's car. I dumped the diaper bag just in case. They weren't there. So, with 7 minutes until 9, the time when we should be at work, I strapped him in the three-wheeled stroler and headed off south. I felt confident and surprised about this unexpected event. We needed some fresh air and some Vitamin D from the sun. We needed to immerse ourselves in nature. He loves to walk outside. We saw dogs, birds, and cars. He expressed his awe and concern for each one. When we stopped at the light, he followed each car from the left to the right, left to right. He was soaking up the world outside of our little apartment. As we continued to walk, I began to notice glass, beer cans, coke bottles, metal rings, etc.. I never noticed the litter before. I wondered how many times are our lives going by too quickly for us not to notice the little very important things on our journey. How many times have we missed our children laugh, smile, cry? How many times have we hurt someone in the process of getting a goal accomplished and not noticed? We just need to slow down and really pay attention. I needed to slow down. After the litter, I noticed a dogwood tree hiding in the woods. I hadn't realized that there was a dogwood near the place where I work. When you slow down, sometimes inspiration is waiting just around the corner. Dogwoods remind me of the woods where I grew up as a child. I wonder what our son will remember about his childhood? His hand is now on my arm wanting to take me on another path. Have a good day!

Friday is May Day

This week Friday is May 1st, also known as May Day. In the past, people have danced around May poles and given May Day Baskets. It comes around once a year at the mid point between the Spring Equinox and the Summer Solstice. As far as I know, I haven't participated in any May Day activities. Last Monday night, some ladies that I know and myself decided to create secret treasures and leave them on each other's door. We drew names, so that we could make extra special baskets. Early Friday morning, I'm going to ring a bell and, hopefully, leave before the person sees us. It will be interesting unstrapping and strapping a baby incognito. It will be an adventure. So, what to put in the basket...I'm still trying to decide. April showers bring May flowers, so flowers might be a good option. I was looking at some examples of baskets. I think that it would be a great idea to reuse materials from my house to appreciate the Earth and help teach my son to reduce, reuse, and recycle. Has anyone out there ever participated in May Day? What would you like to receive in a basket? I'm looking forward to the creative and kind expression of community. Let's celebrate May!

Expectations...

So, I've learned that Mama Roots will not be having a table at Earth Day after all. I've come to terms with that fact. I feel better about it when I realize that the Earth is a healthier place because of Mama Roots. Every day that a child plays with a wooden toy made from her shop there is less need for plastic and more room for imagination. Mama Roots makes every day Earth Day. If you would like to check out her shop on Etsy, here is a link:

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5484968

Come Again Another Day

In our part of the world, community planned Earth Day Festivities were rained out this weekend. Of course, they have been postponed until next Sunday, April 26th. Our family has been looking forward to sharing the love for nature and humankind for awhile now. It's truly an amazing sight when, perhaps, hundreds or even thousands of people get together to help the Earth breathe a little easier. We were planning to volunteer at our local Birth Center where midwives can legally guide mamas through the realms of bringing precious babies into this world. We were also going to drop in to see the Mama Roots table. We're excited to see her and the wares that she's chosen for such a special day. She makes toys out of wood, non-toxic paint, and beeswax. Wood, naturally, is biodegradable and thus safer (kinder too) for the Earth. We have and love several of her hand made toys. Our friends, Rutherford, were scheduled to play a show in the park, as well. They helped introduce me to my fiance a few years ago. I will add a link, in case you're interested in listening to their blues and folk inspired soaring voices. We will be extra excited to stimulate our senses, hearts, minds, and souls next weekend.

http://www.luxmusic.net/

So, what did we do instead? Well, our son decided that he doesn't like pureed foods anymore. He loves eggs and Sesame Street vanilla smiley face snacks. They have to be vanilla. He doesn't like the cinnamon/oatmeal kind. (I'll have to eat them myself.) My man checked out New Moon from the local university's library for me. I read it. Now, I can't wait to get my hands on Eclipse. The Easter Forget-Me-Nots are breaking through the soil. Our son and I slept in. A glass broke. Today, Monday morning, we went for a walk while daddy was at work. I picked a daffodil, made a wish, and picked another for someone special to hold. When we got back to the house, I noticed these tulips had bloomed. The rain has been good for the Earth and our family. Sometimes, when the expected doesn't happen, beautiful moments in life show another way.

On Winning...

Yesterday, I won a little dragon's egg from FaerieRebecca's Shop on Etsy. It is made out of wool. I have been having more experiences with wool lately. At Crafty Mama's hosted by Mama Roots, we have made eggs (or coccoons) by wet felting wool. For that, one would pour hot water in a bowl with a little ivory soap. The next step would be to choose the wool that you would want for an egg. I chose light grayish brown for the cocoon. Then, you spread the wool apart, place it on a plastic egg, lightly dip the egg into the water, and gently roll the egg. After about three hours or so of adding wool, I had a cocoon that I was happy with for my son. I also experienced needle felting that evening. Mama Roots graciously taught me how to make antennae for a little caterpillar that she had made. I would really love to felt some more. Now, I need to make a butterfly. Someday, I'm hoping to use all these neat craft ideas I'm learning from all these nice people to teach my son the joy of making things by hand.

If you would like to learn more about FaerieRebecca and her work, here are two links: one to her shop on etsy and the other to her blog.

1) http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5325342

2) http://faerierebecca.blogspot.com/

Have a great weekend everyone! Enjoy Earth Day!

A Vow...

I plan to write my vows this afternoon. Calmly, my little boy, sleeps while I type. I can hear the inhale and exhale of his breath. Somehow, it helps my soul feel lighter. He's kindling the fire of love that I have for him, his daddy, nature, and God anew. Breath is spiritual. It's like a wave on the ocean beckoning to the shore to become one with each tide. I've become one physically to help create such a spiritual blessing. In less than a month, I will become one with his dad in a community of family in the natural beauty that the Creator has so lovingly made for us. This is a moment when I feel that God is great. Love has no beginning or end, but is constantly being transformed from the beginning of time to now. Children are blessings of that love that God first bestowed on his world. I was reading another blog the other day. This lady was saying that she believes that children have so much energy because they are so light. They don't have the weight of their past experiences to instill an apathy for living. I agree. They also teach us to allow ourselves to be a part of that innocence again. They are like the waves beckoning us to free ourselves from unnecessary worry. Like Jesus said, who can add an extra day to his life by worrying. Live life now. This is the day the Lord has made.

A Toast

Today, I've been thinking about journeys in life. In almost a month from now, I will be marrying a man who's taught me more about love than anyone ever has. He has shown me reflections of myself that I no longer wanted to reveal. I've become a more loving person because of his love for me. He has helped give me the best gift in my physical life, a son who means more to me than anything on Earth.